


Climbing Everest

by orphan_account



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: M/M, McDean, jpc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-19
Updated: 2011-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-27 13:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't what I thought it was...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Climbing Everest

**Author's Note:**

> Written in Spring 2008 well before we knew Craig was returning. (One) version of Craig's return.

 

 

 

 

CLIMBING EVEREST

 

 It hadn’t been meant to get like this: he hadn’t planned any of it. The first time he’d met John Paul McQueen he’d thought he was cute, had a nice personality, seemed a cut above the usual gay teen, remarkably comfortable in both his skin and his sexuality. But he hadn’t been attracted - _then_. But maybe he’d been fooling himself because when he’d recognised that the boy was infatuated with the predatory Robin he hadn’t been detached or particularly sanguine about it. Yes he’d recognised Robin as an example of a certain type of gay man – determined to show the world that they were here, proud, not going anywhere, free to sleep with whomever they liked, wherever and whenever they wanted, free to be as down and nasty as any straight 'playa' – the very worst person for John Paul to trust his heart to. But he’d been jealous too. He should have left when he and John Paul had that run-in; should certainly have looked for somewhere else to stay the moment he realised he was sexually attracted to the boy. But he hadn’t. He should have started running the moment their lips touched in that first kiss. But he hadn’t. And now he was caught, John Paul was caught. Bad enough that he’d forgotten himself enough to let the feelings get out of hand, unforgivable that he’d allowed John Paul to get involved in this thing that could surely only end one way. But he just couldn’t seem to find the strength to walk away, not when John Paul looked at him that way, not when simply being in his presence made him feel ten feet tall. Maybe it was more intense for being unconsummated and maybe he should hate himself for enjoying the warm glow of John Paul’s desire so much, but he couldn’t let it go.

He looked up as John Paul returned with the lagers. He was looking particularly good today, the slight flush in his cheeks probably a result of the contrast between the cold of the air outside and the warmth in the SUbar, but Kieron liked to think that it had a little something to do with his presence.

“Great, just what I need. I’ll get the next round.”

“No, I can’t stop, Kieron. Just got a text from Tina – mum wants me home as soon as possible.” He looked apologetic, but an edict from Myra McQueen was not to be ignored.

“Okay then. I was on my way home anyway. We can walk together.” Now _that_ was a definite blush...

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He took a nervous gulp of his lager. “Pretty cold out there today.”

“I’d keep you warm if I could.” His voice and gaze was low, intimate and he felt that spike of arousal that he often got whenever John Paul met his eyes so boldly. Half the pleasure came from the fact that he nearly always averted his gaze pretty swiftly after that.

They drank in silence for a short time after that until he found a way to break the tension. Tension between them was pretty standard these days – and to his shame he found himself becoming addicted, finding ways to keep it there, increase it subtly whenever he could. It was like since he couldn’t have John Paul he was intent on feeding off him, like a psychic vampire, drinking in his innocence, his desire, the bright flame of his sexuality. He didn’t need anyone to tell him it was wrong, but for now he didn’t seem able to find it in himself to find the strength to stop.

 

The walk back to John Paul’s home was filled with idle chatter and banter. Say what you liked about their relationship no-one could deny that they had a lot of fun when they were together. They seemed to split the differences between their respective ages and comfortably meet in the middle somewhere. He certainly acted more like a kid with John Paul than anyone else and John Paul often displayed remarkable maturity for his age. It felt... it felt like something that was quite simply meant to be. And as they turned into the gateway of number 26 he came to a momentous decision. As soon as he’d decided he felt immediately lighter, but he wouldn’t say anything to John Paul, not yet: he’d have to find a way to make John Paul see that they could make it work, that it needn’t make either of them feel guilty. So he’d wait – he’d waited this long, a few more days making sure he got it right wouldn’t hurt.

“Think she wants you to put out the bin bags or something?” he laughed.

“I wouldn’t actually put it past her. The stories I could tell you!” He was pushing open the porch door, fitting the key in the lock. “Remind me to fill you-“

He stopped short, the hand holding the key seemingly stuck in the door, staring at something, blocking Kieron’s path.

“Well shhh, let’s not let on quite yet.” Still laughing he managed to get past John Paul, pausing for a moment as he realised that there was a stranger on the sofa. He gave him a polite nod, then turned his attention to the two McQueen women busying themselves in the kitchen. “Hey Myra, me and John Paul were wondering if the bin bags needed putting out.” He aimed a grin at John Paul, but John Paul didn’t catch it. He was still standing there, seemingly transfixed by the young man on the sofa. Frowning, Kieron stared at him, then unable to pierce the trance took a closer look at the man. He seemed about the same age as John Paul, dark-haired, dark-eyed, attractive enough – not his type. Feeling Kieron’s attention he briefly broke the eyelock with John Paul to look at him. He didn’t smile and the gaze was not exactly hostile, but he sensed that there was challenge there. Well, this was unexpected. He had not been expecting an ex – John Paul hadn’t given any indication that there was anyone else in the picture.

The tension in the room was sky-high and for once his training absolutely failed him.

The silence grew thicker and thicker until Myra broke it.

A tray of tea and cups was placed in front of the man on the sofa, a look aimed at him – an unhappy plea for aid – and another aimed at her son. “Aren’t you going to say hello to Craig, John Paul?”

“Yeah, yeah.” John Paul tried to remove the key from the lock, but seemed to be having trouble. He struggled for a while until the man – Craig – rose from the sofa, walked over to him, placed a hand on his and pulled the key from the door. John Paul swallowed hard, staring at the man taking up his personal space. “Hi,” he said, voice so quiet and intimate that it felt like a kiss rather than a greeting. Kieron shared a look with Myra who closed her eyes and looked away.

So this was not something – this Craig was not something – which had Myra’s wholehearted approval. Interesting.

“Is that tea in that pot, Myra?” He slipped out of his coat and scarf, hung them on the peg and ignoring John Paul and his ‘friend’ wandered over to the sofa, sat down and reached for a cup.

“Yes, Father,” she said, shooting her son a look as loud as a shout of disapproval.

“Great. I am absolutely parched. Cold as anything out there.”

“Yeah I know. Craig, your tea’s getting cold. And take your bloomin’ coat off John Paul. Not that that could be called a coat, not enough material there to keep a sparrow warm. And you’re no better Craig. Surprised Frankie let you back out in that little jacket you’re wearing.”

Kieron watched as Craig reluctantly relinquished his physical hold on John Paul and turned a smile on Myra. John Paul moved in his wake like a puppy on a lead, obviously failing to comprehend the fact that they were no longer attached. “Well you’re probably right, Myra, but I haven’t seen mum yet.”

“What?” Myra’s expression was somewhere between surprise and outrage. “You haven’t been home yet?”

“I came to see John Paul.” He didn’t try to qualify this in any way and the words fell into the silence, heavy and significant.

“So, you’re not going to see your mum?”

“Eventually.”

“Oh. I see.” Her lips pursed in disapproval. “Well I’m sure you know best, Craig.”

“Not always, Myra, but sometimes, yeah.”

She didn’t look at him, but past him, at her son whose attention was fixed on this mysterious man who clearly had history with this family – complicated history. “John Paul come and help with the tea will you?”

“But mum, I need to talk to-“

“Craig’s not going anywhere. Come on. Peel me some spuds.”

Craig looked at John Paul and though he said nothing, gave no obvious signal John Paul’s demeanour abruptly changed. Sighing he moved past Craig, shrugging out of his jacket. “Spuds – why is it always me peeling the spuds?”

“Well when you learn to roast or fry meat without either burning down the house, reducing the joint to a blackened lump or poisoning us with undercooked chicken...”

“That is so unfair,” he protested, rolling up his sleeves. “How was I supposed to know that there was no such thing as rare chicken!”

Kieron grinned, turning his back on Craig who was still standing by the door. He heard it click shut but didn’t turn to look, moving up as he felt the other man sit at the other end of the sofa, dark gaze fixed on his face. “Well he’s right, Myra. It gets a bit confusing, the rare meat thing. Sometimes I think being a vegetarian makes life a LOT easier.”

“A lot more boring,” Myra countered, handing her son a peeler. “Oh don’t even start, John Paul. You know what you’re like with the knife.” She looked at Kieron, laughing. “I were upstairs, tidying, when all I hear is our Carmel screaming. I come rushing downstairs and there’s our John Paul, covered in blood, potato chunks all around him-“

“I was _not_ covered in blood!”

“He’d missed the potato and sliced into his hand, which were a blessing for the potato.” She picked up a large potato. “John Paul’s idea of peeling spuds is to reduce this to a quarter of its size – with most of the skin still left on.”

They were all laughing in earnest now – well everyone except John Paul: he made a face and shot a quick glance in Craig’s direction, mumbled something then snatched the potato from his mum’s hand. “I’ll peel these on condition that you stop with the exaggerated anecdotes about my woeful culinary skills.”

“Well he makes a lovely cup of tea,” Craig put in and Kieron saw John Paul’s ears turn red. “Never go wrong asking JP to make the tea. Makes a pretty good sandwich too.”

“I’ll give you that, Craig.” She leaned in and pinched her son’s cheek. “He may not be able to roast but he can certainly do you a lovely snack.”

“Hurrah – suitors line up on this side of the room, please,” John Paul said with heavy irony.

“Well if you married you wouldn’t have to do any of the cooking – your wife would do all that.”

 

“Mum,” Tina protested, appalled. “You know John Paul’s never going to have a wife and anyway that is such an old-fashioned attitude-“

“Well maybe I’m an old-fashioned mum who only wants what’s best for her kids.” She was staring at Craig. “Only wants them to be happy with a man who won’t let them down, come in and out of their lives when it suits him, lead them down the wrong path.” Kieron saw John Paul give her a look, which to his surprise was not accompanied by any commentary. “If that’s old-fashioned well then I’m happy to put me hand up to it.”

There was a stark silence as Myra and Craig looked at each other. Kieron knew that it was his duty to diffuse any potential situation that might lead to awkwardness or unpleasantness, but he honestly didn’t know what to say.

“Mum, I know you want what’s best for all of us, but you can’t keep fighting our battles for-“

“It’s not a question of fighting your battles, Teen.” Myra’s voice was getting louder. “It’s a question of trying to show you when you’re about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Show you when you’ve jumped out of the frying pan and are about to throw yourself right in the middle of that fire!”

“I know, mum, but-“

“But nothing!” She shrugged Tina off and headed, like a galleon in full flight to the sofa where Craig sat like an unsuspecting beachcomber about to get swallowed by a tsunami at his back. “Wasn’t it bad enough what you did to him the first time, Craig? Why have you come here, dragging it all back up again? He was in bits when he left you at that airport, in bits when he was shunned by his mates cos of you. And he were slowly getting there, getting over it, getting over you. And that’s why you’re here now, isn’t it? Can’t bear the thought of him moving on, getting over you, living his life without you. You want it all don’t you? Everything your own way – John Paul ruining his life for you, prepared to take the scraps you give him, tugging on that leash when it seems he’s about to get a bit of independence. Well I’m not gonna put up with it. If you’re here to try to win him back you may as well just head right on back to Dublin. He’s moved on – doesn’t need or want you any more.” Kieron had seen her in a temper before but he’d never seen her look quite so vicious. Clearly this guy was bad, bad news. He looked over at John Paul, needing to see how he was taking all this. To his surprise John Paul was still peeling potatoes, not reacting at all. This was so unlike him that Kieron was instantly on the alert, knowing that an explosion must be forthcoming.

He met Tina’s eye: she seemed as worried as he was. “Myra I wonder if-“ He’d begun to rise, but Myra’s palm landed casually in the centre of his chest and forced him back down.

“Stay there, Father. You need to be here for this. Well, Craig? Nothing to say for yourself?”

He ignored her. “John Paul?”

“You’d better go. See your mum, she’ll be over the moon.” John Paul was looking over his shoulder, not giving Craig his full attention and after a tense moment the other man rose and without another word left the house.

The entire house seemed to breathe a sigh of relief the moment the door clicked shut and Myra, the wind taken out of her sails stood there for a moment, clearly lost for words.

“I hope it’s shepherd’s pie, Myra,” he said in an effort to break the tension.

“What? Oh yeah, it is.” She smiled. “It’s a family favourite that one.”

“And I can see why – better than a rump steak your shepherd’s pie, Myra.”

“Thank you, Father – I do try.” She’d turned her focus on to her son and Kieron could tell that she was nervous, worried about his reaction. “It’s going to take you an age to get through all them spuds, John Paul. Let me help-“

“No, you’re alright mum, me and Teen are fine, aren’t we T?”

“Yeah, put your feet up, mum. I’ll do the veggies and you can mash the potatoes when they’re done. That’s the secret to mum’s great shepherd’s pie, Kieron – the way she mashes the spuds.”

“I can well believe that – melt in your mouth.” He and Tina exchanged a look, but blowed if he knew what to do to either break or lessen the tension. And though they weren’t talking about Craig his absence felt like the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room.

“John Paul.” Myra’s voice was low, almost pleading.

“Mum, you said what was on your mind. I’m glad you said it, but I’m really not in any kind of ...mental state... to talk to you about Craig, so can we just drop it for now, please?”

He saw her ponder his words for a moment, exchanging a long look with her daughter before finding a smile. “Alright, love. And I will take you up on that offer to put me feet up.” She subsided into the sofa with a heartfelt sigh. “Not getting any younger, eh, Father Kieron.”

“You speak for yourself. I feel like an 18 year old at the minute!” He could swear he saw John Paul’s shoulders stiffen at this but it was probably just his imagination.

 

*

Dinner had been a tense affair; not helped by having most of the McQueen girls around the table, contributing their opinion on what he was calling the ‘Craig situation’. None of them seemed to like Craig, which he couldn’t deny gave him a measure of satisfaction. But John Paul was quiet, not rising to any of his sisters’ barbs and that worried Kieron.

After dinner John Paul excused himself and went upstairs, not throwing a strop when Myra asked him to stay with the rest of the family, just politely and firmly saying no.

Myra immediately called a family conference, forcing Kieron to stay when he would have taken the opportunity to escape upstairs.

“I want you girls to keep an eye on John Paul.”

“What, like a suicide watch you mean?” He couldn’t decide if Carmel sounded excited or appalled at this prospect.

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Myra said sharply, more sharply than he might have expected from her. “This isn’t Romeo and Juliet. This is just hormones, teenage hormones and teenage lack of common sense!”

“So what do you mean then, mum?” Jacqui’s voice and expression were neutral.

“I mean, just...keep an eye, make sure he’s not going to do anything stupid like...” She broke off, either unable to think of the stupid thing John Paul might do or reluctant to say it.

“Run off to Dublin with him?”

“I don’t know, Jacq, do you think he would?”

“Well from what I can gather from everything you’ve said, none of us have any clue why Craig was here.” Jacqui’s expression was no longer neutral. “Maybe, just maybe he wasn’t even here to persuade John Paul to run away with him. Don’t suppose it occurred to anyone to actually find out what he wanted before running him out of town.”

Myra stared at her daughter. “You think he’s left the village?”

Jacqui sighed. “I saw him in Il Gnosh earlier, so he’s still here, but he looked pretty cut up. Look mum I know you don’t like him and I know why but he’s a kid, just a kid. Whatever you said really upset him and I don’t know if you know this mum, but hurt Craig and John Paul will    
  
_never_   
  
forgive you.” She shrugged. “Just a thought, you know? And maybe John Paul doesn’t need any help to reach the right decision. Did    
  
_that_   
  
ever occur to you? Maybe you’re more likely to push him into Craig’s arms by being nasty to him.”

“I was not nasty, Jacqui.” She looked to Kieron for support. “I wasn’t was I, Father? Just told him how it seemed to me, what it looked like.”

“No, you weren’t nasty, Myra, but you did voice your opinions quite strongly.”

“Well of course I did. I’m not having some fickle, unfaithful boy who doesn’t even know whether he’s Arthur or Martha most of the time breaking my boy’s heart for him again. And if John Paul needs to get that drummed into his thick skull well I’d do it all over again.”

“Why bother, mum?” Mercedes seemed bored by the discussion. “John Paul’s gonna do whatever he wants when it comes to Craig. You should have been there when it all kicked off last summer, when he sent that text. If he could still want Craig after all that, then I’m sorry, he ain’t moving on any time soon, no matter what you might think.”

“But that’s just my point. I don’t want my boy being involved in stuff like that. The things that Craig’s got him doing – lying, cheating, hurting his friends. He’s just not good for him – I hate what Craig does to him.”

“But that was then, mum,” Carmel squeezed her mother’s hand. “Are you sure they even feel the same about each other?”

Myra thought about this. “You know what, Carm, you’re right. John Paul didn’t throw a strop when I said those things to Craig – he even told him to go.” She began to smile. “And he hasn’t gone chasing after him. Maybe he really has moved on.” Her chest rose and fell in a huge sigh of relief. “And a lot of that’s down to you, Father.”

“Me?” He was genuinely startled at being included in this.

“You’ve been a friend to him – a good role model. You know I sometimes think that half the reason he’s turned out gay is because of not having a man about the house when he were growing up.”

He saw every single woman, except Carmel, roll her eyes at this. He wasn’t allowed to do that though, didn’t even want to get into a discussion of anything pertaining to gay issues even peripherally, so he grinned like an idiot and gave a shrug. “Well I don’t know, Myra, but I’m glad you feel I’ve been good for John Paul.”

“Oh you have, father, you have. And please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you weren’t a priest and were you know... gay... I’d give my blessing to you and John Paul as a couple. I mean if he had to choose a man I’d take someone like you over Craig Dean any day.”

He laughed and hoped it didn’t sound as false as it sounded in his head. “Not quite sure how to take that, but I’ll take it in the spirit intended.”

“You should, Father. I can’t imagine a more perfect partner for John Paul than someone like you.”

He wanted to stop her, plead with her not to push him, not to encourage him to sin, not to give her blessing to the very decision he had made earlier in the day, but if this were not a sign he didn’t know what was. “Then thank you, Myra. I am sincerely flattered.” He’d find a way to make this work – he would.

“Well is that it?” Michaela demanded. “Cos I’m not missing Corrie for bloody John Paul and his stupid boyfriend issues!”

“Enough of that,” Myra warned. “Craig is not John Paul’s boyfriend!”

“Whatever,” she agreed, reaching for the remote.

Myra snatched it from her. “We haven’t finished.”

“Haven’t we? I thought you’d agreed that Craig wasn’t good for John Paul, us girls should hide in bushes to stop John Paul seeing Craig and that you’d prefer a _priest_ to get with John Paul rather than Craig Dean.”

He admired Myra for her restraint in not aiming a slap at her youngest daughter. “Just shut up, Michaela. Jacqui? You’ll talk to him for me?”

“And say what?”

“I don’t know, you’re his big sister – just keep him on the straight and narrow-“

“Good luck with that, Jacq,” Mercedes snorted. “Our John Paul ain’t been on the straight path for a long time in case you hadn’t noticed, mam.”

“She knows what I mean. Jacqui?”

“I’ll talk to him,” she agreed, but though Myra seemed to feel a great deal of satisfaction and relief at getting this agreement from her daughter he sensed that Jacqui and her mother were not quite on the same page.

“Perhaps I could talk to him. Maybe coming from an outsider-“

“No offence Kieron,” Jacqui’s expression, in contrast to her words, appeared to not give a damn if offence were caused. “But I don’t want John Paul feeling guilty about being gay, so if it’s all the same to you I don’t want a flaming priest talking to him about his sexuality, okay?”

“I know John Paul’s gay, Jacqui. It’s never been a problem-“

“Well that’s because you’re staying in his mum’s house. You’re hardly going to be biting the hand that feeds you, are you? Doesn’t mean that you’re not as homophobic as the rest of your lot. I don’t care how ‘cool’, how young and liberal you seem – I know how you interpret that book of yours when it comes to homosexuality-“

“Jacqui!”

“No, Myra it’s ok-“

“It is not okay. None of my children get to talk to a priest like that under my roof.”

“Oh ok well I’ll just leave then shall I?” She got up and snatching her jacket from the arm of the chair strode to the foot of the stairs. “John Paul will you walk me back to mine?”

“Jacqui!” Her mother aimed a threatening look her way.

“So I’m not allowed to talk to my own brother now unless it’s sanctioned by you? Have you listened to yourself lately, mum? What is it with you and Craig anyway? It’s like you’d rather John Paul was totally bloody miserable than anywhere near him!”

“And if you were a mother you’d understand!”

There was a long, painful silence then Jacqui shouted: “Meet me outside John Paul!” before wrenching the door open and slamming it shut as hard as she could.

“Oh no, Jacqui, why did I say that? I’d better go and-“

“Leave it mum.” Mercedes put a restraining hand on her mother’s arm. “She knows you don’t mean it, but talk to her now and you’re both gonna end up saying sommat daft – you know you are.”

“But I didn’t mean it, Mercy. I don’t know why-“

“I know.” She stroked her mother’s hair. “But just leave it eh? Give her a day to calm down. She were angry anyway so that’s why it hit her wrong like that. She knows you didn’t mean it.”

Her mother’s reply was cut short by the sound of John Paul coming down the stairs. He looked angry and Kieron knew that an angry John Paul was just another McQueen, shoot first, take no prisoners, the reasonable and restrained young man a distant memory.

His ire was aimed four square at his mother. “You had no right getting her involved in this. And no right to hurt her just cos you’re angry with me. I know why you’re angry and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to talk to you about it yet. I said I would, just let me talk to him, okay, get my head straight. What I don’t want is you getting Jacqui and the others involved. Just leave it okay, mum? Let me talk to you – when I’m ready. I’m not ready yet and I won’t be until I get a chance to talk to him properly, so just please butt out for now. Let me alone.” He didn’t seem prepared to wait for a reply, but swung the door open. “I made a few phone calls and managed to get Craig a room at the student halls. I’ll be staying there with him tonight. I’ll see you all tomorrow. Mum, I promise I’ll talk to you, okay? Promise. See you all later.”

As soon as he left the room became unnaturally still and quiet. He didn’t know why, but it felt to him, and probably the others too like they’d just lost John Paul, that somehow this was the last they’d ever see of him.

 

**

 

“Couldn’t sleep eh?”

He poured himself a cup of coffee and joined her at the table.

“I’ve been up all night, thought I might as well make an early start since I wasn’t going to get to sleep. I’ll make you a bacon butty if you like.”

“No, please, Myra, sit. The coffee’s fine.”

“Yeah.” She was going through a thick album of photographs.

“Every new tooth and every scraped knee, eh?”

She smiled. “I couldn’t help meself. I were so proud of them all. John Paul was always special - so sensitive, so kind. He looks just like his nan. She were the only one of me mothers-in-law I could abide. She were just like him – kind, sensitive, beautiful.” He saw the tears standing in her dark eyes, but didn’t say anything or make a move to comfort her. All she needed was an ear – he could be that for her. “John Paul’s dad well he were a scally – nothing like his mam or John Paul or Carmel. They take after their nan. Michaela, well she’s her dad’s alright. I love her to bits, don’t get me wrong, but she’s like him in just about every way you can think of - the bad and the good. I loved all me kids fathers, but their dad had a special place in me heart. And I don’t play favourites, but I do have a very soft spot for John Paul, being the only boy and all. He was always so good, Kieron, never upset me, always tried to make me proud. And I know that growing up changes a person, but over the last few years it’s like I’ve lost me little boy. Ever since he met Craig... I thought they were just friends you know – just normal lads going to the footy together, listening to music in their rooms. I never thought they were having sex up there, never thought they were having sex behind Craig’s girlfriend’s back! He was so deceitful, Father, lying and cheating and pretending – all for Craig. And Craig didn’t even have the guts to come out the way John Paul did. One thing you can say about my kids none of them are sneaky, lying cowards! And I thought he’d come to his senses when he realised that Craig was never going to stop being a coward. Do you know what he said to me, Kieron, when he left Craig at that airport last year? That his boyfriend, the man he’d given everything up to be with was ashamed to touch him in public, was embarrassed to be seen with him. He lies, cheats, breaks my boy’s heart, doesn’t have the guts to admit he’s with him and then he comes here and expects me to give him my blessing? The only reason he was here in the first place is because Tina let him in while I were upstairs! He wouldn’t have set one    
  
_toe_   
  
inside if I’d been the one to answer the door!”

She took a huge gulp of coffee, which had Kieron fearing for the lining of her mouth, then wondering if he should be saving his sympathy for the coffee. “John Paul for all he cracks on much older sometimes is only a baby, a wide-eyed innocent when it comes to men and I don’t care if it means I fall out with him but there’s no way I’m going to allow him to make that mistake – the mistake I’ve made so many times in my own life.”

Kieron still said nothing, couldn’t really think of anything to say, horribly conflicted as he was, but this time reached for her hand and squeezed.

 

**

 

 

 

Myra had persuaded him to have a talk with John Paul. He’d agreed, but knew that he was far too involved to be involved in this. He wasn’t exactly a detached observer here and should be steering well clear, but his vested interest was in the driver’s seat at the moment and he didn’t have the will to wrest away control.

 

He hadn’t been inside the halls before but found them easily enough. He and John Paul had always got on well in the past; they should be able to talk about his mother’s concerns in a sensible, reasoned manner. He was sure too that John Paul would understand that Craig couldn’t be present during the talk.

 

He waited at the door after ringing the buzzer, the institutional looking layout reminding him so much of his own university days, pretty wild if he remembered correctly, not exactly much fun though, despite what he’d been at such pains to tell himself at the time. Acting on that urge, that urge to devote his life to something bigger, better than himself had been the best decision he’d ever made. Until John Paul, until he realised that there was something maybe bigger for him than Mother Church.

“Alright?” Craig Dean was standing in the doorway, slighter than Kieron remembered, more attractive, his dark eyes different today, something there today that had been missing the day before. He didn’t know what Craig Dean looked like when he was happy, but Kieron would hazard a guess that that something extra was indeed the light of happiness. He wasn’t one to make assumptions, however.

“Hello. I’m here to see John Paul.”

“Yeah, come in.” He moved out of the way and ushered him in. “Go straight through – that’s the communal area. JP’s not actually here. He had morning lectures, but he won’t be long. Might as well make yourself comfortable.” He even sounded different. Kieron remembered being surprised at Craig’s accent, but he hadn’t really said enough to give him a feel of the personality. He was getting a definite sense of him now.

“Thank you.” He sat at the table rather than the sofa, watching as Craig made a swift decision and opted for the sofa. “I hear you’re studying in Ireland.”

“Yeah – Trinity. I was lucky to get in.”

“Well I’m sure it took more than luck. Congratulations.”

He seemed surprised at that and smiled for the first time. “Thanks. Best decision I made, retaking those exams.”

“Good course?”

“The best. And the place is great too. People are friendly. I mean Dublin is an expensive place to live, but it’s kinda worth it.”

“You don’t miss your family, your friends?”

“Well yeah, course I miss them and it’s hard to come home at half term and all that, but it really is the best thing I’ve done for a long time. Getting together with John Paul was the best, but that doesn’t really count. That’s in a league all by itself.” The look he gave Kieron was significant: Back off, he’s taken. Kieron read it and gave an inward nod of agreement. Back off? Yeah he probably should. He didn’t really know how Craig had been able to suss his interest in John Paul so quickly and with so little evidence, but maybe that was all about being lovers, able to sense the tiniest change of breathing as he slept, the smallest shiver as the cold started getting to him as you lay together in post coital bliss. The way the two of them had immediately connected on that initial meeting, eyes locking, totally focused on each other; silently accepting instruction from the other, well then yeah maybe it was easy then to suss the scent of another on your beloved. Craig didn’t appear to be either angry or jealous, however, simply in his oblique way telling Kieron exactly how things were.

“Myra doesn’t approve.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. Is that why you’re here, to try to put her case for her?”

“She asked me to talk to him, yes.”

“Talk some sense into him more like.”

“Well yes, those words did come up.”

He shook his head. “The last thing I want is him falling out with his mum because of me.”

“Well when it comes down to it it doesn’t really have anything to do with you. I mean it may peripherally be about you, but it seems to me that this has been a long time coming. John Paul’s growing up, growing away from her and she wants to hold on to him for as long as she possibly can.”

“All those things she said about me – did you believe them?”

Kieron gave his answer careful consideration. “I believe that she believes them. She might get hold of the wrong end of the stick sometimes, Myra, but she isn’t dishonest, would never repeat something she knew to be a lie, so for what it’s worth yeah I do think that she believes those things to be true.”

“I did those things – hurt John, break his heart into tiny little pieces, break my girlfriend’s heart, act like a knob, but that’s what I _did_ , not who I am. I know they say actions speak louder than words, but that’s not always a great yardstick for judging people. John wanted me to kiss him in public and if I’d done it then he would have come to Dublin with me. For him, right then, at that moment my actions did speak far louder than my words, but that was just one moment in time-“

“And it’s those moments that decide our future. Sometimes our futures hang on the balance of that one tiny moment in time.”

“I know, but my actions would have been a lie – for once in my life I was being absolutely honest with him – I couldn’t kiss him in public because that wasn’t who I was. And it broke us. But now, looking back, I am so glad he forced me to be honest. I needed that shock of him leaving me to face up to myself. It hasn’t been easy finding myself _by_ myself, but I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do it with him there with me. I think you know where I’m coming from when I say that sometimes you need to feel like you’re absolutely alone in the world, like you’ve hit rock bottom, to know where it is you finally make that stand, where you decide that it’s okay to be who you are, that you are never again going to feel that it’s not; where you decide – no, where you _know_ \- that only a few things matter in this world and listening to other people’s opinion, being influenced by what ‘they’ think? Doesn’t even come in the top hundred.”

Kieron smiled. Yeah he knew. “It took me a few years to get to that point, but I’m guessing you probably had greater incentive.”

“He is the best thing that has _ever_ happened to me.”

He laughed. “You’re only 18.”

“19, but tell me you don’t know he’s special.”

“I think you know I can’t do that,” he said, meeting Craig’s eyes.

“Exactly. If you had him, his friendship, his adoration, his almost unconditional love wouldn’t you fight for him, fight to win him back?”

“I would.”

“Look, Kieron I don’t know how things are between you and John Paul. He’s told me he was attracted to you and I can tell that it’s a bit more than that for you, but I’m not warning you off or anything when I say that you need to recognise that we’re a couple, we love each other, we’re together-“

Kieron raised a hand to stop him. “You don’t need to say any of that – I get it. But it’s not as simple as that is it? Myra, your family - I’m told that they don’t exactly approve and you not staying with them...”

“We needed to be together last night. Wasn’t going to happen at either my place or his. I didn’t come here for any family dramas – I came for John Paul.”

“So you expect him to give up his studies, go back to Dublin-?”

“No, we just needed to sort things out. I’m heading back tomorrow.”

This surprised him a little. “You sure? Sure you can bear to leave him so soon?”

“It’s not a matter of being sure – I have to and that’s all there is to it. You know I managed to live without him for months when every day was a constant ache – it feels different now, now I know he still wants me.” Kieron could think of nothing to say to this that would not be interpreted as negative. “You think I’m fooling myself.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“No, your face said it for you.”

“I think that you and John Paul seem like a pretty high octane couple. Maybe spending the night together’s made you see things through rose coloured specs. You really think it’s going to be easy conducting a long distance relationship when neither of your families approve, with John Paul getting pressure from all sides to end it with you? Resisting temptation when all your hormones are on fire? Do you honestly trust him not to look elsewhere – ever? Can you honestly commit to a part time relationship for three years, only able to see each other a few times a year?"

“And do you think we spent all night fucking each other’s brains out?” He was laughing. “That only took 2 thirds of the night. The other third was spent thrashing out all the logistics of the thing, making sure, asking each other the difficult questions. We’re not playing around here, Kieron – this is for keeps. You have no idea – no-one does – what we’ve been through together. If we can get through that and still commit to each other then I’d say we’ve got a better than 90% chance of making this work.”

“You’re really that confident?”

“That confident.”

“Well I’ve only one thing to say then: let me talk to John Paul alone. You need to not be here, not in the vicinity of, completely absent. I need to know he’s going to feel free to talk to me frankly and honestly without you...influencing him.”

“That’s fair enough. I’ll make myself scarce soon as he gets here. Probably need to spend some time with mum anyway.” He sighed. “Not exactly a barrel of laughs seeing her last night, especially when I told her I was staying here and John was too.”

“I can imagine.”

“Can you?” He seemed genuinely interested, his focus visibly switching from his own affairs to Kieron’s.

Kieron shrugged. “I didn’t have the most liberal parents. First there was the religious thing, then the gay thing which they obviously couldn’t even begin to get their heads round. I think they thought that being religiously inclined made it impossible to fancy anyone – boys or girls – so me combining the two –    
  
_choosing_   
  
to combine the two...” He rolled his eyes as he remembered the circular, frustrating discussions he’d had with the family. “To them everything’s a choice – being poor, being a single parent, letting racial ‘prejudice’ get to you, fancying other men...”

“Well I think I used to think it was a choice too – fancying other men. But I fought so hard to get rid of my feelings for JP, wanted so much not to love him – _that_ way... And it just wasn’t happening; wasn’t down to will or determination, certainly not choice. I guess you just can’t know, can you, unless you’ve been there.”

“I know-“

A door slammed and they hardly had time to react before John Paul was running in, grabbing Craig and throwing him down on the sofa.

Kieron watched for about 5 seconds then had to look away when the kiss turned from greeting to serious foreplay, the two men seemingly oblivious to his presence.

There was a pile of magazines on the table. He picked one up and started reading.

 

 

**

 

“Sorry about earlier.” John Paul was wearing jeans and a different t-shirt, skin still flushed, mouth pink and a little bruised looking. He and Craig had just said their goodbyes at the door having spent the previous hour and a half in Craig’s room indulging in what could only be termed a really vigorous work out. Much of the sounds he’d heard had been that of uninhibited laughter – no longer a surprise after he’d seen them on the sofa in the prelude to the ‘workout’. After the snogging session on the sofa, John Paul had aimed a casual greeting in Kieron’s direction, picked a loudly protesting Craig up, kicking feet and all and ‘struggled’ with him to the bedroom where they’d proceeded to wrestle, rearranging the furniture in the process by the sounds of it.

 

He was jealous – there was no way round it. This is what he wanted – that connection with the man he loved, that ability to wrestle him like a kid and the next instant be transfixed by his beauty, your feelings for him. That’s what he’d seen with John Paul and this man he’d never talked about, never once mentioned. Why? Because he was afraid that once he allowed that chink to appear the entire edifice of his life would come crashing down? He had never seen John Paul like this before – hadn’t known he had it in him. He remembered how reticent, how embarrassed he’d been to display his sexuality in front of Kieron; his mortification when Robin had kissed him in the toilets. Yet earlier he hadn’t even cared that there was someone else in the room. His entire focus had been on Craig – he’d wanted him and that was all there was to it, audience or not. And Craig had responded in the same way – like they did this sort of thing all the time. Did they? Had they? Who the hell was Craig to John Paul and why had he chosen this moment in time to return?

 

 

Oh he knew John Paul was off limits – not like that had been anything new – but seeing him like that, his sexuality so raw and upfront...

And he wanted it – wanted that indefinable thing John Paul had, the thing that was blazing bright as the mid day sun now that Craig was back in his life.

“You look... well,” he said, offering John Paul a wry grin.

John Paul laughed, then cleared his throat. He sounded a little hoarse. Kieron decided to put that down to the shouting and laughing... “I’m okay. Tea? And Kieron I am really sorry for not offering you anything earlier. Craig felt bad too, but he’s a guest and couldn’t really-“

“Come and sit down, John Paul. Forget the tea.” He hoped he’d sit at the table with him and felt his heart swell when John Paul took the chair opposite, not even seeing the sofa as an option. “Are we going to be alone for a while? I don’t want to start a conversation we’re going to have to keep stopping and starting...”

“No, we’ll be okay. Zak’s giving me and Craig a bit of space and the others don’t usually get back until the late afternoon.”

“Okay. So. Want to talk about you and Craig?”

“No, not with you. To be honest I don’t really see what there is to talk about.”

“Why don’t you want to talk about it with me? You’re embarrassed because of the attraction between us?”

“Not embarrassed, but I don’t know how to say what I feel for Craig to you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“And you don’t think the last two hours hurt me, John Paul? You don’t think hearing you in there with him, seeing you with your tongue down his throat hurt me?”

John Paul didn’t answer, just sighed and looked down at the table.

Kieron watched him for a moment, desperate to touch, desperate to regain what he had undoubtedly lost. Of course he knew now that he really hadn’t had it in the first place – not the way he’d thought. “I know I can’t compete with that –“ He flicked his head to the bedrooms though John Paul still wasn’t meeting his eye. “What you have with him, but I thought we were friends. I’d like to think that you feel you owe me some sort of dialogue about this.”

“You _want_ me to hurt you?” 

He couldn’t quite put a name to the expression on John Paul’s face, all he knew was that when he’d been with Craig his light had been shining bright and now it had dimmed.

 

He’d made him unhappy.

 

And that was that – that was enough to make up his mind. This wasn’t his to have and if he pushed he’d make that light get ever dimmer and dimmer and though he wasn’t the cause of it the blaze of John Paul’s happiness was so hot, so vital that Kieron felt he owed it to everyone with whom John Paul would come in contact to allow it – allow it to grow and grow so that they too might bask in its warmth.

“No, John Paul I don’t, but it’s a fact that where there are feelings there is often hurt.”

“I know and I want to say I’d take it back if I could but I think you know that that’s something I could never say and really mean. I know it’s wrong, but for Craig I’d tear down the entire world and yeah I _would_ hurt people, people I love, and I hate that that’s a part of who I am, but it’s the simple truth. It’s not that I don’t care who I hurt to be with Craig, it’s that it’s not something that’s going to stop me.”

 

Kieron examined his face, looking deep into his eyes and sighed, mourning a life he’d lost the chance to have, a life he could probably never now realistically hope for. “I took my vows –and meant them – but I never found what you have, John Paul. I thought the Church would give me that love, that sense of being filled to the brim with light and purpose, but even in my times of greatest fulfilment I have never looked into my own eyes and seen what I now see in yours. So, for what it’s worth you have my blessing. I know it’s not the right time to talk about him, but I’m holding out hope that in time you’ll feel comfortable enough to see me as a friend again and tell me all about Craig. For the record; I really like him.”

 

His smile when it came was real and though the sadness was there, it was more sadness and regret for a life he’d turned his back on, realising now that he’d given up without truly giving love a chance to find him...

 

 

**

 

Myra had very obviously been waiting for them. Jacqui was there, looking miserable (but then she often did), the disagreement with her mother still clearly not quite blown over yet.

 

“John Paul. Hello, son. Come for your tea? I’m doing fish and chips today, but I’ll make you a butty-“

“I’m alright mum.” He kissed her and then his sister. “Alright, sis?”

“Hi, babe.” She managed a smile for her brother and held him for a minute, aiming a quizzical, not particularly friendly look Kieron’s way.

“Well okay then,” Myra was moving cushions on the sofa. “Sit down, Father, John Paul. So, had a good day at college?”

“I had a couple of lectures this morning, nothing too heavy. Spent part of the afternoon with Craig.”

Well straight in there, like the McQueen he was. Kieron hid a smile behind Myra’s stiffening back.

“Oh and it’s alright, him staying in the halls? I thought you had to pay or something.”

John Paul laughed. “It’s okay, mum, it’s all sorted. And anyway he’s leaving tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

Kieron couldn’t see her face properly but he could imagine her expression.

“Yeah. I said I’d come to stay with him next week – Easter – half-term.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we’re taking things slowly – not neglecting our studies or anything. Craig’s got a job – in one of the local pubs. I’ll get some more dj-ing gigs so we’ll be able to afford to see each other quite often.”

“And you’ve decided all this, between the two of you?”

“Well who else would it be between except the two of us? It’s our life, our relationship.”

“John Paul, I know you’re happy right now-“

“Yes I am and there will be times in the future when I’m not. What does that have to do with anything? I know you’re only looking out for me, but you really don’t understand. Me and Craig – it’s more than a crush, mum, more than infatuation-“

“I know you think that, son, but you’re both so young.”

“Yet you’ve always trusted me to make my own decisions in other things, trust my judgement in everything else-“

“But you changed when you met him.”

“I fell in love, mum, so hard, so deep that even I can’t quite get my head around it. He makes me _so_ happy that there is _nothing_ you can say that will make me change my mind about being with him.”

“So I’m obviously wasting my breath trying to talk to you.”

“If you like, yeah. Do you not think that I know all those concerns you have, do you not think I’ve thought this through? The thing is, mum, it’s like a balance sheet - if you like - with all the things that could go wrong on one side and the way he makes me feel on the other...” He shrugged. “The scales are tipped so far in favour of the way he makes me feel that it’s a bit of a non-issue as far as I’m concerned. I’m in love with him and it feels like it’s always going to be him-“

“And people don’t always stay with the first person they fall in love with-“

“Yeah, and sometimes they do.”

There was a long silence at that, the ‘discussion’ very clearly coming to a natural end. He knew that John Paul hadn’t managed to win his mother over, but that had never really been on the cards. Now it was up to Myra to decide whether she was going to make a fuss about it or accept it as a done deal.

“Well I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m gasping for a cuppa. I’ll stick the pot on.”

“Actually, mum, I’m not stopping.” John Paul rose, stood, hands in pocket. He seemed disappointed, but on the whole fairly sanguine about the situation.

“You going to see Craig?” She tried to keep the bite out of her voice without much noticeable success.

“Yeah, we’re going to the pictures later, probably go for a meal.”

“You mean waste your money on greasy fish and chips. Come for your tea before you go to pictures.”

John Paul frowned. “I’m spending the day with Craig, mum. I’m not going to abandon him to go home for my tea - even if it is fish and chips!”

“I meant him too – come for your tea. If you’re so determined to be with this boy he might as well get used to the madhouse you live in.”

John Paul’s smile lit up the room and though Kieron had seen his strength earlier when he’d picked up Craig he didn’t think he was the only one who was surprised when John Paul picked up Myra McQueen and spun her...

**

 

John Paul had left, Myra had had a cry in the bathroom while Kieron and Jacqui drank tea together at the table.

“I hope I’m doing the right thing, Jacqui, Father. I know he loves Craig but I just can’t help feeling that it’s all going to end in tears.” Myra was still red-eyed and sniffly. She sat beside her daughter, poured herself a cup of the strong tea.

“Well, mum, that’d be because you’ve never really seen them together.” Jacqui took a casual sip from her cup.

They both looked at her. “And you have?”

“Yeah – last night. We picked Craig up from The Dog and we all spent a bit of time together at the SUbar and then at those halls.”

“What was he like?”

“Who?”

“Craig, of course. What was he like with John Paul?”

“Urgh, what are you asking, mum?”

“No, no not that. Come on Jacqui, what was he like in public with him? Did he touch him? Look him in the eye?”

“Well I don’t know – every time I went to get the round in – come to think of it they sent me to get _all_ the rounds in – every time I’d get back to the table I’d catch them with their tongues down each other’s throats. Is that what you meant by touching, looking each other in the eye?” She gave Kieron a sly wink. “Although yeah Craig must be ashamed to be seen with John Paul since they chose the darkest corner in the room to sit in. Not something I’d do if I wanted to make out with my bloke in a public place – no I’d choose the table that’s in full view of everyone.”

“No need to be sarky, lady. I were only asking. And it’s John Paul himself who told me Craig was ashamed to kiss him in public, embarrassed by him.”

“Well 8 months later and waddya know – Craig’s grown up! It happens. I don’t think he’d have come here, taken the risk, if he hadn’t grown up. Thank god John Paul at least sees that.” She turned to her mother, took her hand. “Mum if you saw how they were with each other you’d be over the moon for him – I swear. I would climb Everest, swim the English bloody Channel for someone who made me feel the way Craig makes John Paul feel. Yeah he told me, but he didn’t need to – it’s in his eyes, in his walk, in his laughter. Mum he’s _glowing_ , and if you give yourself a chance you’d see it – you’d have to be blind not to. And have you never seen the way Craig looks at him? Give them a chance, mum, give _him_ a chance. You’ll see that whatever’s gone on in the past right here and right now these kids need to be together. To be honest it’s not a fight you’re ever going to win, mum, and I’m sorry but I’ve talked to the others and we’re prepared to fight you on this one – if you get in the way we’ll fight you.”

Kieron knew that it was time to leave. He’d stayed too long as it was – this was a conversation he didn’t want or need to hear to its conclusion.

He only hoped he’d have the strength to deal with Myra’s pain when the time came as it inevitably would, because Jacqui had eloquently put it all into words and despite his best efforts it was still hurting... It was more than losing John Paul; it was realising that unless he made another momentous decision he would never have the opportunity to find what John Paul had found in Craig. He just wasn’t sure that he had the courage to risk it all again for so uncertain a reward.

He hoped also that, as he’d told John Paul, they’d be able to find a way back to that friendship they’d been building, but something told him that the next few weeks were going to see him deep in soul searching and John Paul really didn’t need to be party to that.

He couldn’t say for sure that he would definitely leave the Church, well the priesthood anyway: he couldn’t honestly see himself leaving the Church. He was questioning his past actions, the taking of his vows, not really losing his faith. Or were the two things inseparable? His conviction about his vocation were no longer as strong, but his faith was still there... Yeah, he needed time away; from John Paul, Myra, the Church; time and space to really look at his sexuality, look honestly at the slowly dawning possibility that joining the priesthood had been a form of running away, a form of rebellion against his parents, a resigned acceptance of his long held belief that love was not only painful, but didn’t truly exist for people like him – gay and heartbroken.

 

In time he might even be able to smile in the face of the blaze of John Paul’s love for Craig and say: ‘Okay, me next’.....

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
